Well.  My Lupron dagger came in the mail yesterday.  As my wife is a nurse, this seemed like an easy task.  I have my very own home health aide!   I am instructed to plunge this Lupron dagger into my asscheek and insert said contents.  These contents are little chemical estrogen assassins.  My estrogen factory is to be immediately turned off.  Helloooooo, Menopause.  I have been reading up on the “menopause heat factory.”  I have been advised, curiously while those advising me are chuckling to themselves, to insert my head into freezers and refrigerators, to buy fans for the bedroom at night, to favor subzero winters which allow me to instantly lower the temperature of the bedroom to minus 10.  I imagine these “hot flashes” will be like energy surges!  I will harness this new energy to do good and probably become much more productive!!!!!

My home health aide did nothing to lessen my fear of needles by declaring, upon holding the dagger up in the air, that “gosh, I forgot to watch my YouTube video on how to inject an intramuscular needle.”    HAHAHAHAHAHA, I said, joining in on the shared humor….. Hey… wait a minute…. WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING ON YOUR IPAD?????  WHY IS THAT ALLEGED NURSE WEARING SUNGLASSES INDOORS???  WHY ARE YOU TAKING ADVICE FROM THIS STRANGER ON YOUTUBE????  DIDN’T THEY TEACH YOU HOW TO DO THIS IN NURSING SCHOOL??????   “Shut your piehole,” was my home health aide’s response, “I just like to be thorough….. now, pull down your pants, my shows coming on in a minute and I don’t want to miss the beginning.”   I compliantly laid on my stomache, pulled down my pj’s to expose my right asscheek (TURN OFF THAT BRIGHT WHITE ORBISH LIGHT!!!  The neighbor yelled) ….  “Ok, take a deep breath and …. exhale….   ”  As I exhaled, said estrogen assassins were plunged into my asscheek to begin their ovarian assault.  Go forth brave soldiers!!!!   “There”, said my home health aide, “you big baby, you didn’t even feel a thing.”

Which is true.  And candidly, I was worried that my ass was so big that the needle would not be able to be inserted deep enough to actually get to muscle…. my home health aide had helpfully offered that she could leap off a chair like a pro-wrestler, onto my ass, compressing it and plunging the needle in at the same time.  I find it is comforting to know that those in charge of your care are willing to take it to the next level in their preparedness.

My home health aide’s pro-wrestling name shall be: “The  AssAssassinator!”